The road untravelled.

I have thought about it for a while now. Idealised it. I have dreamt about the execution of the plan. I have seen the aftermath. To say the least,I've had it all planned out to the 't'. I do not know when I crossed the line between wanting to live and wanting to give up. somewhere in-between growing up and growing old,I lost my way .I miss the young and vibrant girl I was. I miss the energy, the optimism,the zeal to go out and conquer  the world. I miss that girl. You know ,as a teenager I loved to tell myself that I hope the  girl I was ,is proud of the woman I became . That was a lot to weigh on a twelve year old. That was me then .

Today,I'm sitting in therapy .It is my last session with the preacher. I have been taught to do an introspective soul searching. To find that spark in me that brought me life. To go back to a point in time  when I felt so alive. I think of my friends, my family, boyfriends of the past and present . I think about how guilty some will feel

Others will question if they were good enough .Why I had to commit suicide instead of talking to  them. some will realize for the first time that all the silence, detaching ,had nothing to do with them  .It was a darkness inside I could not fight .I did not want to draw them into it .There is an allure to darkness,so the legend goes . Energy is contagious . I realize now that thinking I could change my friends for the worst was giving myself way too much credit and them,nearly not enough.

I think of my parent .My relationship with them. My mother especially bothers me. She has worked so hard to make an honest woman out of me .For the most part, she succeeded. I think of how she wound react to the news of my demise. Will she ever heal?Will she ever find answers to her questions what went wrong with me?Will she know why I chose that road untravelled instead of fighting on .Instead ,all I saw was darkness. I saw a woman who never forgave herself for letting her daughter slip into the abbys. That is when I realized that my death would bring  forth another dozen. The realization made me shake and tremble. For the first time ,I wasn't thinking about myself. I realized that I do not live in an island and that my life had people .

The closer those people were,the greater the darkness I could foresee. Like splatters of something ugly and dark .No cleansing can take that away. It was at that moment that I knew what would heal me. What would make me find the woman I always wanted to be,loving,caring and foresighted . With that, my eyes lit up. I said good bye to the preacher and set one thing in my heart..I will Open myself to love ,I will spread love. 

In love, I was born ,with love I shall be reborn.