The thing around my Neck

 

 I know you were only trying to help. I know that you wanted to know what was going on in my head. But how Can I describe something that consumes my entire existence. How can I voice the words to tell you that I feel startled. It’s not to say that I do not feels safe here. That would be a lie and a dishonesty on my part. You have been a bog part of my sanity and journey to seek stability. But from time to time. The walls of safety around you and I are brought down and the darkness seeps through. Sometimes when I feel it coming, pounding demanding, I plot my escape. But on days like today, It catches me unawares and we will battle it to the bitter end.

My relationship with anxiety began years ago. You see our dynamic is complicated.  Unlike a healthy relationship with boundaries, this one makes a point every morning when you wake up. It reminds you that you are about to step out of your house and you probably should not. It reminds you that you do not have the appropriate shoes, your hair is bad and you will make mistakes in your presentation. It reminds you of how shitty the previous day went and how you should probably not get out of bed . You probably do not need to eat anyway. You are not safe anywhere else, only here. In your house. In your head. And so, it starts.

 The battle of will that happens every morning. It is a constant struggle to push through the fear and dread that seems to have taken root in their mind. The simple act of getting out of bed feels like a Herculean task, and the thought of facing the day ahead is overwhelming.  With every attempt to get out of bed, comes a pounding heart, and a racing mind, filled with a litany of worries and fears. When I think about the simplest of tasks like making coffee and my favorite pancakes, my muscles taut with anxiety and with every seep and I know I must ready myself to leave the house.

 Each step feels like a test of my endurance, and a battle to keep anxiety at bay.  Every time it happens , my thoughts are jumbled up in a blur and there is this hovering and  pervasive sense of unease . It is a whole struggle keeping my fears from winning. It is a never-ending cycle of worry and agony. A battle of shame and guilt. Shame for feeling this way. Embarrassment for not staying strong.

Despite my best efforts, the anxiety lingers, an unwelcome companion that seems determined to keep me trapped. Today is a cruel reminder that I have not won the battle yet. Anxiety is a cruel master, one that leaves me feeling ashamed and broken. It is a constant reminder of a perceived weaknesses and failings. The freeze reaction, the incoherent thoughts, the inability to get a simple task done, a feeling of letting yourself and everyone down. Every day, I mask myself in a smile.

It’s a camouflage. Hiding from the world, afraid of being judged or rejected. But the shame lingers, a constant presence in the mind and heart. It's a heavy burden to bear.